October 13, 2025

I’ve felt such resistance and yet pull at the same time to come here and express my thoughts and feelings in the past few years. On the one hand, I feel like a sense of reservation comes with maturity, and on the other hand, there’s the “if you don’t have anything nice to say ..” It wasn’t that I didn’t have anything nice to say, but I didn’t feel like I had much good or uplifting to say.

I often live from that place – looking for and surrounding myself with what is uplifting, inspiring, and the like. I do believe that even in the toughest of circumstances, there is always a glimmer of some good or gratitude to be found. At least, I can personally speak to that. Anyway, I prefer to contribute positively to the airwaves we share.

It’s been four years of a roller coaster of grief that I was surprised with in August of 2021. The complexity of grief and how we handle it as humans is fascinating on a non-emotional level and can be an entirely engulfing abyss on an emotional one.

I tried drinking it away, distracting myself with work, healing it away, growing myself and being just so busy so that maybe it wouldn’t hurt anymore. I cannot say that any of these active methods have produced results in making the grief simply go away. Some of them caused more problems. Not one of them has “cured” me of grief.

I’m 18 months alcohol-free and now allowing the feelings to come and go like waves. In many respects, life is very good, very full, very dynamic. I am incredibly grateful for my life. With clear-mindedness all of the time, I am gifted the opportunity to choose what I do with the emotions – to allow them to be and to pass, to work with them, or to shelve them for a moment that I can sit and journal and seek to understand what to do.

Two quotes popped into my memories feed today:

“I love the man that can smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection. ‘Tis the business of little minds to shrink, but he whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves his conduct, will pursue his principles unto death.” – Thomas Paine, “The American Crisis,” 1776

“We may not have tomorrow. But we do have today. Today, with all of its beautiful ups and downs. Embrace today. Find joy in today. Don’t pray it away, excited about some future event or day that you think will be better than this one. Enjoy today. You don’t know what tomorrow will bring.”

I am asking myself what I laid to rest within myself with Patrick’s passing in 2021. Do I allow myself today to truly feel joy and happiness? I don’t know. But now that I’m aware of the question, I can look for and be open to the answer. Roo is here for emotional support.

Happy heavenly birthday, Patrick O’Reilly.